I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what the last few years have been like. Our journey to adoption started years ago not months ago. My husband and I have grown individually and as a couple from the experiences of the past couple of years. We have experienced what felt like being slammed into a brick wall when no one could tell us why we couldn't get pregnant. The months of failed fertility treatments that took a huge toll on our emotions. The relief when the decision to adopt was finally made. Each decision that we have made for growing our family has not been easy. The decision to try to get pregnant wasn't made immediately by both us, the decision to pursue more advance fertility treatments was not easy, and the decision to adopt was months of talking not days.
I guess I have been thinking more about these experiences after reading an article in SELF about how so many couples experiencing infertility like we did choose not to talk about it with everyone. It is a very private experience and those friends and family that we chose to tell I had no problem discussing what was going on. However, I took great steps to keep those that didn't know in the dark. Now that we have started the adoption and have told people about our struggle to start a family many people have said that they wondered if we had been trying to get pregnant.
Many people I'm sure have wondered why we kept our silence from some and not others. The people who you are close to are always easier to talk to; especially those who you share your secrets with. I felt that there where people who would judge us for not being able to get pregnant. Which is still happens even when they have heard our story. "Your so young, you still have years to start a family", "Maybe your just not trying hard enough"(OMG! did you not just hear what I said about fertility treatments), "Maybe you have been stressing over getting pregnant and that's why"(well...yes there was a time, but not now). I know that people mean well sometimes and think that what they are saying to you is comforting. There is a double standard. You know how some people can say something to you and it doesn't bug you but other people can say the same thing and it boils you blood.
I remember sitting in the Reproductive Endocrinologists office surrounded by women who were experiencing what I was and no body said a word to each other. Actually no one really talked at all. Which is weird because we all were seeing the same doctors to achieve the same goal! Most of us had bruises from the blood draws and hormone injections. Most of us had spent hours crying about the same issues. Most of us sat in silence praying that this cycle would be the one. We all watched the door for our name to be called. We watched the door to see who would leave with a glowing smile and who would leave in tears. We were all struggling and still no one wanted to talk about it. Looking back I would not change the fact that we kept our infertility a secret from so many people. I would not have been able to handle constantly be asked about how it was going. My emotions were on edge anyway and I did what I had to to protect myself.
Oh my, you've really captured it! I feel like I may have been in the same doctor's office with you. I think it is easier to put into words once you commit to something that you know WILL result in your child. Adoption is its own process with ups and downs including tremendous effort, leaps of faith, costs, waiting, wondering, praying, hoping, etc. But at least you know it will work. The process is 100 times easier and more joyful to go through knowing that!
ReplyDeleteYou said it perfectly. I agree with everything you and Jennifer said. Like Jennifer said, adoption too is a roller coaster but you know that you will bring your child home.
ReplyDeleteWow, well said and thanks for writing this. Really helps show the difficulties of process and frustrations. Maybe I'm naive since I was fortunate to not have to go through IVF, but did they have support groups that people could become a part of while going through this? Reading about how you all would sit in the office surrounded by everyone going through the same thing and everyone was quiet was so heartbreaking. I just wondered if there were any groups for mom, dad, or both? If not, seems like maybe there should be :)
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. Laura there is a local support group in my area but I reached out to the online community to find people that were in my age group. I felt like I needed to vent some of my frustrations especially since people still comment about us not being able to get pregnant. Its those comments make me fear that people will not be accepting of my child.
ReplyDeleteOh totally understandable! I just wondered if while people are in the IVF treatments if they encouraged a support group at the clinic etc. More a general question about IVF for my own curiosity.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can totally relate to reaching out to the online community- the adoption blogs have sustained me. It just stuck me as so sad that you all were sitting there in the clinic waiting room experiencing the same thing and no one talked. I understand it, but its sad in a way because only someone going through it can truly "get" it.
And you know, I don't know what is the matter with people nowadays and why they would say those things to you. Pregnancy is such a personal thing for women especially and I'm so sorry you have to endure insensitive comments :( If its any consolation (and definitely not the same thing) when I actually was pregnant with my son, I had lord knows how many people tell me their miscarriage, stillborn, pregnancy horror stories. And all this after I had miscarried once myself! People just don't think.
Still, I know its hard, but try to focus not on them accepting your child, but on the fact that it is "your child". Because one of the most wonderful things in the world is to be a parent- no matter how it happens. You will be important in the life of a child and that is the greatest gift you can ever give them. You'll be GREAT so try not to listen to "those people". Hang in there and remember, we're there for ya! :)
Margaret, I can still hear the silence and see all of the sad little faces in the fertilty office that you speak of. We would all sit their depending on our cycle day for our hormone bloodwork and terrible vaginal ultrasounds!! It was HORRIBLE to say the least. I too remember looking at the faces walking out to see if it was happy or sad. I too experienced the dredded unexplained infertility. I couldnt emotionally handle it and my husband and I chose not too. We stopped treatment and CHOSE adoption.
ReplyDeleteWhen we switched our gears from treatment to adoption it was as if a lightbulb went off. Adoption always used to feel like the next best thing to do...but honestly now....it feels like I was destined adopt. The thought of getting the call and going to Poland to meet my children fills my heart with love and joy! We are so dedicated to it. We are almost in the 7th month of our wait and just the thought of my Polish Angels brings a great big smile to my face.
Hang in there. Your feelings are shared by your friends here as most of us have experienced the same as you and your husband. If it makes it better, keep your decision to only close family and friends as I have. These people will share in your joy and help you realize that you will one day soon be a wonderful mother!!!