I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what the last few years have been like. Our journey to adoption started years ago not months ago. My husband and I have grown individually and as a couple from the experiences of the past couple of years. We have experienced what felt like being slammed into a brick wall when no one could tell us why we couldn't get pregnant. The months of failed fertility treatments that took a huge toll on our emotions. The relief when the decision to adopt was finally made. Each decision that we have made for growing our family has not been easy. The decision to try to get pregnant wasn't made immediately by both us, the decision to pursue more advance fertility treatments was not easy, and the decision to adopt was months of talking not days.
I guess I have been thinking more about these experiences after reading an article in
SELF about how so many couples experiencing infertility like we did choose not to talk about it with everyone. It is a very private experience and those friends and family that we chose to tell I had no problem discussing what was going on. However, I took great steps to keep those that didn't know in the dark. Now that we have started the adoption and have told people about our struggle to start a family many people have said that they wondered if we had been trying to get pregnant.
Many people I'm sure have wondered why we kept our silence from some and not others. The people who you are close to are always easier to talk to; especially those who you share your secrets with. I felt that there where people who would judge us for not being able to get pregnant. Which is still happens even when they have heard our story. "Your so young, you still have years to start a family", "Maybe your just not trying hard enough"(OMG! did you not just hear what I said about fertility treatments), "Maybe you have been stressing over getting pregnant and that's why"(well...yes there was a time, but not now). I know that people mean well sometimes and think that what they are saying to you is comforting. There is a double standard. You know how some people can say something to you and it doesn't bug you but other people can say the same thing and it boils you blood.
I remember sitting in the Reproductive Endocrinologists office surrounded by women who were experiencing what I was and no body said a word to each other. Actually no one really talked at all. Which is weird because we all were seeing the same doctors to achieve the same goal! Most of us had bruises from the blood draws and hormone injections. Most of us had spent hours crying about the same issues. Most of us sat in silence praying that this cycle would be the one. We all watched the door for our name to be called. We watched the door to see who would leave with a glowing smile and who would leave in tears. We were all struggling and still no one wanted to talk about it. Looking back I would not change the fact that we kept our infertility a secret from so many people. I would not have been able to handle constantly be asked about how it was going. My emotions were on edge anyway and I did what I had to to protect myself.
